Iowa Vs Missouri: The Honey War
by WaterJinx
Summary: Basically, stealing honey from Iowa is like stealing beer from Prussia - bad idea.  One shot.


Iowa Vs. Missouri – The Honey War

Alfred sat at his desk illuminated by candle light. The grandfather clock struck one. He stared at the papers before him, his eyes growing heavy. He took a pot of coffee in hand and chugged it in one gulp. Suddenly, energy flowed through his veins and he began scribbling furiously upon the paper. Within the hour, most of the map was filled in. There was only one border left to be drawn. However, as he stared at the space where the border was to be drawn, the caffeine-induced energy swiftly left him, causing him to draw the border wrong. His eyes growing heavy again, he erased the line and redrew the border just before his head hit the desk. Snoring soon filled the room as the pencil lead from the freshly drawn border smears on Alfred's forehead…

The next day, the Midwestern states crowded around Alfred, eagerly awaiting the map of his estate to see where their share of the property would be.

"Okay guys, I finally finished the map. Look at it and you can set up home there. I'm going to take a well-deserved nap now." Alfred said, leaving the map with Iowa.

The blonde haired, blue eyed farmer looked at the map in his hands. The others leaned over his shoulders and stared at the map as well. Even Iowa's goldfinch was looking at the map. The states memorized the map and darted off to start their new homes.

Alfred was enjoying his nap until Illinois's knocking woke him up. He groaned as he answered the door. "What's wrong, dude…? I'm trying to take a nap…"

Illinois grimaced, "Well, I'm not going to get any sleep tonight unless you can get my neighbors to shut up."

Alfred sighed, "Which neighbors and what are they doing?"

"Iowa and Missouri… They're arguing over god knows what. Make them stop."

"Alright… I'll go down and see what their problem is…" Alfred said as he reluctantly set aside his nap and went to the border of Iowa and Missouri's houses. He grabbed Iowa and Missouri by their shirt collars and separated them from their scuffle. "Okay… What's the big deal?"

"Tell him that this is MY land!" Iowa demanded.

"Show me it's your land!" Missouri shouted at Iowa.

"The map says it is!" Iowa snapped, pointing at the borderline that Alfred had accidentally smudged.

Missouri snatched the map away and pointed to the poorly erased line. "This PROVES that this is my land!"

"Does not! America, tell him to get off my property!" Iowa said.

Alfred took the map and looked it over. It was impossible to tell what the correct border was. "Uh… I hate to have to tell you guys this… but… I don't know which line is which…"

The two states stared at him. "WHAT? BUT YOU DREW IT!"

Alfred rubbed the back of his neck, "Yeah, well… I was a fourth awake when I drew it…"

"You mean half-awake…" Iowa corrected.

"No dude, I mean a fourth…" Alfred said.

Iowa groaned, "Well…. Can you find out what it was supposed to be?"

"Sure thing. It'll just take a while. You two can sit tight until then, right?"

Missouri and Iowa looked at each other for a moment before saying, "Uh… sure…"

With that, Alfred went home to finish his nap and then get to work on settling the border dispute. Missouri looked Iowa in the eyes and held out his hand, "Since you're building on my property, you need to pay taxes."

Iowa glared at him. "Like hell. This is my property so go away."

"I will once you pay me the taxes you owe me."

"No." Iowa replied as he turned back to his house and went inside.

A vein throbbed in Missouri's forehead while he watched Iowa walk off. "He gets the best soil around and then that jerk thinks he can build on my own land without paying me? No way am I letting him get away with giving me NOTHING for my land!"

So, Missouri snuck into Iowa's house that night while Iowa was asleep. He quietly rummaged through the drawers, but found nothing worth taking. Missouri finally made his way into the kitchen. He looked in the pantry and found many jars of fresh honey that Iowa had collected from his beehives.

"Meh, something is better than nothing and this will make a nice treat…" He muttered, stashing the jars of honey into a sack. He then left a note and returned home.

The next morning, Iowa stretched and went over to his dresser. He stared at the open dresser drawers for a minute, certain that he had shut them last night. When he saw that nothing was missing, he shrugged it off and got changed. He headed downstairs, still very groggy. He fumbled around the kitchen, fixing himself some oatmeal. He smiled to himself at the thought of trying his home raised honey for the first time. When he went to the pantry, he couldn't find the honey, but found Missouri's note instead. It read:

_Thanks for the tax payment, it'll sure be sweet._

_~Missouri_

Iowa clenched his fist, crumpling the paper into a tiny wad. A couple of large veins throbbed in his forehead as a string of curses escaped under his breath.

"Fine, if that's the way he wants to play, then this means war." He said with a glint of fire in his eyes.

A beer mug hit the counter, and Iowa's voice loudly echoed throughout the house. "That damned Misshouri! I – hic – will show him who to – hic – messh with!"

Nebraska rubbed the back of his neck as he watched Iowa add to the growing collection of empty mugs on the counter. "Shouldn't you be sober if you're going to declare war on someone?"

"Thish ish how I prepare for war!" Iowa said, finishing his retort with another hiccup.

"…I… uh… see… but don't you think WAR is a bit drastic? I mean, it's just honey that was taken…"

"Jusht… JUSHT honey? I – hic – fended off nine-jillion beesh for that shtuff! I have the – hic – woundsh to prove it!"

"Okay… but do you even have a saber? All military leaders who are worth their salt have sabers, you know…" Nebraska said, trying his best to dissuade his neighbor from going through with this.

Iowa pauses for a moment and seems disheartened because he was indeed lacking a saber. However, his gaze fell upon some farm tools hanging in the corner. He stumbled over to the equipment, and to Nebraska's slight horror, picked up the scythe and remove the blade. He then waved the blade around with a lop-sided grin on his face.

"Found my shaber!" Iowa declared at the top of his lungs.

Nebraska gave an audible sigh and banged his head against the nearest wall. "I give up! You can just go on with this Honey War! I'm going to bed!"

With that, Nebraska headed for the door. He opened the door to leave, just as Missouri was about to knock on the door, so Missouri ended up knocking on Nebraska's forehead.

Missouri blinked when he saw Nebraska. "Oh, sorry 'bout that."

Nebraska quickly shut the door and whisked Missouri out into the yard. "What are you doing here?"

"Coming to tell the Idiot Out Wandering Around to shut up. It's two in the morning!" Missouri said glaring at Iowa's house. "What the hell does he think he's doing?"

"He's preparing for the war he declared on you."

"… … … WHAT? You have to be kidding me!"

"You… pretty much pissed him off… so now he intends to make your capital Des Moines."

"…He's bluffing…"

"See for yourself." Nebraska said, pulling Missouri over to the window.

They peered in and saw Iowa hang up a crudely drawn picture of Missouri on the wall. Iowa then proceeded to use the picture for target practice.

Nebraska turned to Missouri. "Believe me now?"

Missouri sweat dropped, "… Holy… crap… all because I took a few jars of honey?"

The next day, Iowa clutched his head as he staggered through his house. Eventually finding the door, he started out toward Missouri's house. However, he was met by Missouri in the disputed land.

"Prepare to-" Iowa started before Missouri cut him off.

"Here's your honey back." Missouri said, shoving the sack of jars into Iowa's hands. "And about the land… Yeah, you were… right… about the map…" A bitter taste filled his mouth as he uttered the last sentence.

Iowa stared at him in disbelief for a moment. "Seriously?"

"Yeah…"

"Oh… Well, okay then. See ya."

And with that, Iowa headed back to his house. A bright smile on his face as he carried the reclaimed honey. Missouri sighed and looked at the corrected map Alfred had given him just an hour earlier, denoting that the land was indeed Iowa's.

Alfred walked up to him laughing. "All that over honey? No wonder you dudes were so cheap…"

Missouri twitched and glared at him. "What was that?"

"Heh… heh… Nothing… Nothing at all…" Alfred said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck.

_The true history of the Honey War:_

I don't remember all the details, but here is basically how the Honey War went… Iowa and Missouri were in dispute over their border because of some poorly made maps that could be interpreted either way. The dispute was over two of the southernmost counties in Iowa. And while the courts were sorting out this issue, some Missouri tax collectors tried to collect money from the people in the disputed counties who viewed themselves as Iowans. The Iowans refused to pay the taxes, so instead of going home empty-handed, the tax collectors stole the Iowans' honey. This was considered an outrage by the Iowans who then proceeded to declare war on Missouri. That night, the Iowans had a very large, very loud drunken party. One of the men who was to lead this war was lacking a saber and decided to use a scythe's blade instead. The Missourians caught wind of this war party and made amends with the Iowans the next day. So, the Honey War ended without injury – unless you count the massive hangovers the Iowans must have had….


End file.
